A year we didn’t see coming

2020. I know. We’re all done with this year. I’ve seen the memes and read the social media posts. Everyone is ready for this unprecedented dumpster fire of a year to make its way out the door. We are all done with its drama and limping across the finish line here on this final day of it. And yet, as I slow down enough to glance over my shoulder at the last 365 days, I am a little shocked by what I see.

Trust. That was my word for 2020. Some trust in chariots, some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. That was the verse that would lead the way, I decided as the dark rainy days of last January set in. I knew that 2020 would be a year of change. A year where I would consider going back to work after being at home with my boys for so long. A year that would hold college applications for our oldest, driving lessons for our middle, and the beginning of middle school for our youngest. And complete chaos. But none of that seemed on the horizon as we tried to remember to type 2020 in the date box on our calendars.

And then, it just happened. The world shut itself down in March on the very day I began a new job. As my kids became virtual school kids, I became an at work mom. My job as a Lay Pastor and a communication administrator became significantly more demanding as our church had to shut its doors to in-person worship. New technology daily blew my mind. Solving problems like: how do we load this enormous video to our website and why is this cord not solving our sound issue; what’s going on with these song lyrics, and how are we going to keep our people connected when we can’t be together … became the overwhelming focus of my days. All while struggling to answer 5th-grade math questions and determine why the printer at home wouldn’t print.

And the whole world was dealing with life like this.

Our lack of boundaries between home and work forced all of us to pivot in so many different directions it made our heads spin. Life isn’t meant to be lived in constant crisis mode. But it felt like that was all we could do; move from one crisis to the next and try to make impossible decisions with very little information.

So yeah, it’s no wonder we are all a little tired.

But here’s the strangest thing. As I sit in the dark of these final 2020 hours, quietly rewinding the days and weeks in my head, I see something I missed. I see God teaching me to trust him. I see him building something in the middle of what I thought was a mess. Even as I prayed for him to make life just a little easier; even as the stress brought me to tears so many days.

He. Was. With. Me. He was in the amazing opportunities that still managed to come my way, in the friend who busted out a guitar and a song in the middle of a hard day. He was in co-workers who made me laugh until my sides hurt, in a husband who went grocery shopping and cooked dinner so many nights, in kids who learned how to email their own teachers, and in a best friend who came from across the country to hug me in my kitchen. The goodness of the specific ways God loved me this year shocks me.

Because I walked through the days struggling to see it. I did not completely trust that he was good. I relied on my own chariots and horses; my own ways of trying to redeem what was broken. I trusted that he wanted me to figure out how to be good and make things good.

Because when life feels overwhelming, it’s often our own bootstraps we want to pull at.

It’s been a hard year to trust that the Lord of heaven and earth was up to something good. A hard year to believe that there is nowhere we can go from his Spirit, a hard year to see him at work in all that happened.

But here’s the thing about God. He never changes. Never. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And he is never not working his purposes out. He is never not good. I know English people – those are some double negatives. When I do it for emphasis, it’s allowed.

On Christmas Eve, our pastor shared this A.W. Tozer quote that won’t get out of my head. “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us, “ Tozer wrote. And I can’t stop thinking about how it’s true. But perhaps I would also add that it’s not just what you think about God when things are going well and life is lining up in your favor. It’s what you think about God when you can’t see what he’s doing; when you think there’s no good to be found.

Do you still trust him? Or do you slowly begin to think that he is out to trick you?

It’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year.

God is good. Always. He is trustworthy. Always. He is hope that lights up dark places, he is peace that holds any pain, joy revealed even in sorrow, and love that will remain — even in a year like 2020. I think that every one of us will carry some heartache and bear some scars from these 365 days. But before we toss it all out and declare the whole year a loss — could we spend just a few minutes sifting through the ashes and searching for the good? Like me, you might be surprised by what you find.

“Burst into songs of joy together you ruins of Jerusalem, for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem” (Isaiah 52:9). The Lord’s instructions to his Holy City given through his prophet Isaiah. Joy in the middle of destruction. It makes no sense; I know. The upside-down kingdom of God is never as much about what we see as we think it is. It’s about Spirit and Truth and a God who never leaves us. It’s about joy we don’t deserve in places we forget to look.

So 2021? I don’t know what you have in store for us. But, I know the One who can see what’s coming. And I’m going to hang onto him. And 2021? I’m coming for you. And I’m bringing my joy – the joy the Lord helped me dig up and pull out of the mess that was this year. It’s gonna lead the way.

“I will build you up again and you, Virgin Israel, you will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out and dance with the joyful” (Jeremiah 31:4).

May it be so for each one of you in this new year. Alleluia. Amen.